Don’t be fooled by the photo – it was taken a few weeks ago before the last 4 weeks of pregnancy slapped me in the face. I am deeply weary of anyone who claims they loooooove being pregnant from 37 weeks onwards. I can’t tell if they’re liars or idiots or Gwyneth Paltrow, but I don’t trust any of them. The brain has some kind of fantastic, memory-erasing hormone that makes you forget just how shitty the last 3 weeks are, and amen to that because the human race wouldn’t have a damn prayer otherwise.
It’s a week and half out from go-time over here, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to muster up the emotional fortitude to make it through until then if I’m not allowed to binge drink (I promise there is no vodka current in my S’well water bottle, despite my yearning to need it). So the next time you encounter a VIP (Very Impregnated Person), here’s some things to keep in mind that these poor creatures have to deal with. Be kind to them, and get that unfortunate soul a donut. STAT.
- My boobs have issued a loud and clear F*CKOFF to any ideas about my body maintaining some sort of shadow of what it once was. The average woman will gain three pounds per breast while pregnant; I think I have gained 10 (per breast). One of mine gained it all and the other is giving me middle school flashbacks. My only hope at a decently fitting bra is to cut two in half and reconstruct the pieces into one Frankenbra. If you catch me constantly pulling and readjusting my mountains… now you know why!
- I just finished taking my Strep B test. You remember what that means mommas?. Oh we all sure do… remember that you’re going to stick a Q-tip in my butt… wouldn’t want my day to start any differently. That’s a level of intimacy where you can just call a spade a spade, my friend.
- Everyone I know is telling me I’m carrying so high. Well, I feel like I’m one sneeze away from knowing what color hair my baby has. If this is high, low must be when the crotch of your pants is sagging around your knees because they’re chock full of baby. I honestly don’t know how the hell I could carry any lower without crowning. FACT!
- Everyone keeps saying, “You’re still pregnant!” with a little giggle like they enjoy seeing me miserable, walking around like a cow and like I have some short term memory loss (as if I don’t know I am still pregnant). I’ve got less than 2 weeks left and that’s 10 days. 240 hours. 14,400 minutes and that’s the BIG IF baby decides to show up on time. That gives me just enough time to devour at least 10 pizzas, drink endless eggnog lattes, and get at least 4 pampering sessions in. Can I get an AMEN?
- Earlier in my pregnancy, if someone came up to rub my belly, it wasn’t that bad because at least it meant that I actually looked pregnant and not just like an anthropomorphic dough ball. Now? The skin is so stretched and the highly puke-inducing sensitive skin of my belly button has attained an impressive amount of real estate. Every time someone rubs my belly and irritates that skin, I jump and let out a noise that sounds like something a constipated llama would bellow. It’s partly on purpose because STOP TOUCHING ME. Not to mention I have discovered this time around what this pregnancy ITCH is all about… a.k.a PUPPS! Can I just stop for a second and enlighten you on this topic. PUPPS: PUPPS is short for pruritic urticarial papules and plaques of pregnancy. These little red bumps get bigger, forming large patches that spread down the legs, and up the chest. Eventually, most of the body can be covered in the itchy, eczema like rash. Sounds lovely doesn’t it? But HERE’S THE CATCH… I google “How to treat PUPPS?” Google answers: “The only way for PUPPS to go away is to HAVE THE BABY!!!” What the hell kind of answer is that? HAVE THE BABY? What do you think I am trying to do Google? Keep it in me? I have tried to Namaste this thing out of me for the last 2 weeks.
- And then there’s the insomnia and the sheer torture of trying to get comfortable enough to actually go to sleep. I dread night-time, just because I know I’ll be so exhausted and yet unable to fall asleep because I simply can’t get comfy or my brain just decides to turn on and I am now a friggen brilliant mastermind that can take over world. Ugh.
- And there’s the fact that just when you think that you can’t possibly get any bigger, your belly will still grow. You know you’re getting close when even your maternity shirts are feeling snug and fail to keep the bottom of your belly contained. Or the sheer difficulty of doing small things – oh, such as say, bending over to pick something up or taking off your pants! I literally will drop something on the floor, look at it with sheer determination to pick it up and then rethink my decision to come to only one logical conclusion – Cesar can do it later. What a gem of a husband I have to conquer the obstacle course I have created for him when he arrives home from work.
There is not a single tale of a 97-hour labour without pain meds that could scare me off the path to birth at this point. The only thing in my sights right now is being able to sit down on a toilet without having to trust-fall backwards.
On a side note… If you are in your last month of pregnancy (or will be), here are some tips I have found to make the last few weeks of this waiting game seem more bearable than my rant above:
- Get Outdoors: Even when the weather is cold and damp, heading outside for a walk/hike, coupled with fresh air does wonders not only to your health but also your mental stability. Enjoy those peaceful moments as they won’t be there much longer.
- Get Pampered: Set aside a few extra dollars this month to enjoy a prenatal massage, mani, pedi or maybe just a blowout to feel glamorous will do. It’s a nice little pick me up when you feel like your body has been taken over by an alien.
- Schedule Quality Time: This is one thing I do love the best. Those small little moments where I can set a side sometime with my girls and enjoy them. Mommy and Daughter dates are so good for the soul. Or if this is your first, call all your friends and set aside time for each of them before those sleepless nights make you too tired to even engage in conversation.
- Give Yourself a Break: Sometimes, it’s ok to just let yourself be miserable. I feel like we can get so caught up in focusing on what we need to do to get ready and running around trying to fit everything in “before the baby comes,” when really, we need to just listen to our bodies and rest up. Those last few weeks may just be nature’s way of making sure you get some downtime before the craziness of life with a newborn begins, so try to take advantage!In Health,
Lisa Pineda xo